


don't read parenting books to talk to your vassal about interpersonal relationships

by orphan_account



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Pre-Time Skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-10 23:27:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20143738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: edelgard tries to give The Talk to hubert about his current relationship.





	don't read parenting books to talk to your vassal about interpersonal relationships

**Author's Note:**

> i genuinely cannot stand having this fic up so it'll probably get deleted when i stop being a coward

When Edelgard requested a meeting with Hubert, he initially assumes it had to do with further developing some stratagem to use for an upcoming battle, but upon entering the library he only sees her idly flipping through the pages of a book, not even one on tactics at first glance. He does not have the dignity to feel foolish for having brought maps and parchment paper with notes scrawled across them on the particular weaknesses of other House members and just sits across from her.

“Hubert.” There is both a note of disdain and a note of concern in Edelgard’s voice when she addresses him which is a win overall as far as he’s concerned.

“Yes, Lady Edelgard?”

“Your lip is bleeding. Did you put your face near some wild beast? Tried to peer at one of the cats sitting on the walls? You should understand from the last time that they take it as a sign of aggression.”

Hubert did not really want to remember _ the last time _ he tried to approach a cat. They were simply everywhere and it was inevitable and they just found his appearance repulsive and, put simply, it was not a good memory.

Edelgard turns a page while Hubert struggles for words. “Why, yes, I thought it’d be. Worth a try. The cat looked injured, but it took offense at my presence.”

“Is that so?” Edelgard turns another page and in neat script the chapter title reads: _Broaching the Topic. _

“Yes, is that all you wanted of me, Lady Edelgard?” 

“No.” Edelgard shakes her head. “I would like to discuss one of your personal relationships. With von Aegir. Ferdinand.”

“Excuse me, I don’t understand what you mean. We are allies, of course, but we only occasionally speak—”

“You should,” Edelgard interrupts him but pauses mid-sentence, her brow furrowed. “Stay safe.”

“I always strive to do so in order to continue to serve you,” Hubert tries. A futile attempt against the future emperor, he knows. “Lady Edelgard, you—”

“Both on and off the battlefield.”

“Uh.”

“I cannot keep up this farce.” She slams the book close and the table rattles. A pen rolls off and disappears into the shadows of the shelves. “I already know of your… _ liaisons _ with Ferdinand. Do you perchance think of me as a fool who does not notice both you and him going to ‘Confessional’ at the same time? Are you confessing your relationship to the Goddess?”

“Uh.” He tries again. “Is that not blasphemy?”

“Engage in all the blasphemy you would like.” Edelgard sighs and waves a hand in a theatrical fashion. “I enjoy the thought of all that goes under the Archbishop’s nose. For example, it’s quite obvious that that Golden Deer girl Hilda uses the cathedral to—Don’t worry about that. I am just saying that I support your relationship.”

“It is quite an honor,” Hubert stammers. “To have the backing of the emperor.”

“I just want to make it clear that you should… practice safe habits as any _ issues _may affect morale on the battlefield. Considering the remnants of his performance in certain regards, I cannot help but fear for you too..”

“Issues.” He can’t help but repeat it. It’s not going to end well, he can tell, but he does it anyway. The Adrestian Empire's Court Jester, right there.

“Do you want me to say it, Hubert?” Edelgard peers into his eyes, the fire of a true leader and executioner burning brightly, as she says, “Your sex life should not affect either of your performances on the battlefield.”

* * *

“It’s splendid that you invited me for tea and coffee today. I doubt you will see the true appeal of tea, but eventually my extolment will—”

“Ferdinand, we should break up.”


End file.
